Tom Boulet
A few years after adopting baby Matthew, it became clear to Tom Boulet and his husband Ken Coll that something wasn’t right. Matthew had severe behavioral issues and an oppositional, defiant nature that had him bouncing from school to school. Still, Tom and Ken left no stone unturned to get Matthew the care and treatment he needed. After finishing high school and attending a few years of college, Matthew returned home one summer and attempted to kill both Tom and Ken, stabbing them a combined 31 times in the middle of the night. After a miraculous recovery, Tom and Ken share reflections on parenting a child with mental illness and how they found meaning and purpose and a renewed devotion to each other amid tragedy.
This is a two-part series. Part two will be available on November 16th, 2022
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In this episode:
Raising a child with mental illness.
Learning to ground their relationship in friendship.
Clarity of purpose and direction on the other side of pain.
How to honor and heal each part of ourselves after a traumatic experience.
The role forgiveness and humor play in recovery.
Stay connected to Tom:
Facebook: Tom Boulet
Instagram: @TomBoolayinLA
Charity Donation: Crisis Text Line
Wise Words:
I can say in my relationship with Ken, when you’re together with somebody as a couple for 30+ years, you hit bumps in the road.
We learned long ago that arguing was not going to solve those bumps in the road, but instead going back to what we were grounded in would. And that was to remind ourselves that we like each other and we’re friends, and whatever is in front of us is not bigger than that.
And he turned around and he grabbed me in a headlock with his left arm and started stabbing me.
He stabbed me in the back of the head, behind the ears, in the abdomen. Probably well into it, 10 or more stabs,
Ken then screamed out, “Tom, he’s trying to kill us.” That took me out of my shock. I remember thinking, “Oh, okay, I have to do something here.”
We got thrown out of multiple daycare places. I don’t like to tell the story by saying we got thrown out of daycare places. The way I phrase it is we were invited to find different placements on numerous occasions.
I called, I got through to 911, and I said, “This is Tom Boulet,” and I gave my address, and I said, “I need help.” The operator’s response was, “We know who you are. We know where you are. This is the third call we’ve had from your residence this evening.” I remember thinking, “Who else would have called? There’s nobody in the house.” It doesn’t make sense to me. I didn’t realize, and I learned later from the police that Matthew had called to say he was killing us.
Sharing the experience was helpful. It was very helpful to let people know what we had been through and to see their response, their care, and their love. It was very positive.
We have two hats to wear, the hat of a parent and the hat of a victim of a crime, and figuring out what the emotions are around each of those very conflicting positions is important.
I knew I had to go to a place where my recovery was uplifted through positive energy and thought, so I immediate decided for my healing and for his healing as well, sort of spiritually in the universe, we would all be better off if I didn’t hold animosity, anger, hatred, or any negative emotion around what happened in my own heart.
I’m not in denial. I know what went on, I know what happened, I know the history, and it all is real. I firmly believe we have a choice in our feelings and emotions, and I’m going to choose to pick as much positive as I can.
In general, I don’t worry about tomorrow until tomorrow.
One of the things I learned here is we don’t have today. Everybody says we only have today, make sure it’s good. I don’t have anything but right now. None of us has anything but right now. I could be gone by the end of this conversation. I could be gone by the end of the day, or tomorrow morning. So, I live in the moment. If I’m not doing something in the moment that I want to be doing that is fulfilling for me, then I have to reevaluate how I got to where I am and go somewhere else.
It took me a long time to learn to ask for help because I was taught as a child asking for help was a sign of weakness. I’ve learned as an adult asking for help is a sign of strength. It’s a sign of self-worth, value, self-care. And I have yet to ask someone for help that I can point to that has said, “No, go somewhere else.” In the smallest of things, and in very big things.
Resilience comes from knowing when and where you do need help, and when and where you don’t need help. Thriving through the places where you don’t and asking for the help you need in the moments that you do.
Try to learn who you are as best as you can, and be as grounded in that as possible so that when bumps in the road occur and difficult moments arise, you have something to turn back to.
I can say in my relationship with Ken, when you’re together with somebody as a couple for 30+ years, you hit bumps in the road. We learned long ago that arguing was not going to solve those bumps in the road, but instead going back to what we were grounded in would. And that was to remind ourselves that we like each other and we’re friends, and whatever is in front of us is not bigger than that.
Think positively. Be resilient. Know who you are. Don’t give up hope, even out of the darkest moments. Ask for help when you need it. Turn to others. Don’t isolate yourself out.